Friday Column: Beer and Bat Flipping

Hello everyone, welcome to a new regular Friday post in which I, Seth Wingerter, join with Josh Keiser to review the week for the Royals and its farm affiliates on a lighter note. There will be a couple additional segments added on in the coming weeks, but for now, it is just me starting off with my first weekly beer selection and an ensuring review of some events this week.

Seth’s choice: Golden Road’s Mango Cart Wheat Ale. 4.0% ABV. If you’re into fruity beer, the mango is unbelievably smooth and not overbearing whatsoever and makes it feel like you can drink it for the rest of the night. Imagine Boulevard Wheat with a lemon, but instead of lemon, it’s a slightly stronger flavor of mango. Excellent beer.

Once again, this week, the Royals got into a series of exchanges with the White Sox over the various antics of Tim Anderson and associated actions perpetrated by the Royals. As the young men within the lower levels of the organization see this behavior, they are tasked with important decisions. In the minors, they are tasked with many important life choices like learning how to carry themselves, how to take responsibility for serious actions, how to scrape by because MLB pays minor-leaguers a criminally low wage, and potentially how to pimp a home run so hard that the pitcher gets multiple shots of his face shown on SportsCenter the next morning. Either way, regarding the antics of Tim Anderson, there are choices that must be made the hard way, and almost all of those choices involve whether you should flip a bat or not.

Whether or not Anderson should be a role model for the young men of the Royals organization, they must come to their own terms about bat-flipping. Indeed, it is very fun and makes the game exciting, but with every pimped dinger, there are millions of sirens from the fun police that begin to go off, signaling the semi-regular reissuance of the made-up code of respect for ‘the game.’ It is a dilemma our young adults face every day and should be taken very seriously.

With that, to get many of the old-guard off their fun-ruining high horse, we need a series of young prospects so bold, so brazen, that the sheer shock of their home run celebration will shatter the ceiling of limitations. Just as Randy Moss once wiped his a** on a goal post, I believe we are entering the golden era of baseball celebrations, and we just need one prospect so bold that he empowers an entire generation of celebrators. It is hard to be so bold by oneself, so here are some suggestions.

BAT FLIPPING IS FUN DAMMIT

  • Tomahawking the bat over your own dugout into the now-extended netting in front of the crowd

As if flipping the bat was bad, two-handed heaving a 2-pound hunk of wood seemingly into the fans is an absolute power move. It’s the second inning, the pitcher has already given up 4 runs, and it’s looking desolate. Having to look at a bat stuck 25 feet up into the safety netting for the rest of the game as a reminder of you getting taken yard is just setting yourself up for extreme failure.

  • Riding the bat like a horse all the way down to first base and then chucking the bat into right field as you round the corner.

I cannot imagine the fun police here. Sure, they’ll claim you’re ‘showing up the pitcher’ and ‘making a complete ass out of yourself,’ but I say it is all in good fun. Besides, when you’re on SportsCenter the next day, they’ll be sure to include the fact that you absolutely slaughtered a ball off that loser pitcher.

  • As soon as you hit the Home Run, flip the bat, turn to the camera, and pull up your jersey to flash a “Porn is sinful” undershirt.

Automatic lifetime Royals contract extension, and your absolute annihilation of the baseball may have been so dirty that it got uploaded to adult sites.

  • Snap the bat over your knee immediately following the home run and carry both pieces around the base paths.

Absolute alpha move here. Seeing a man take your 97 MPH prized fastball 450 feet to straight away center and then proceed to mercilessly snap the instrument he took you deep with like a measly twig is absolutely dehumanizing. If I were the pitcher, I would retire on the spot, as I would be just as broken as the pieces of wood that the man who just destroyed me refuses to let go of.

  • Immediately turn to the catcher, ask if he can do you a favor, and place the bat in his outstretched hands before he knows what is going on.

There is a 95% chance you’re getting punched by the first basemen if you do this, but it will be worth it. Pitchers all too often get the bad graces of giving up monster dongs, as many times the catcher called a bad pitch. Make sure that catcher knows he called a horrible pitch by placing the thing you just used to embarrass him with right is his hands as he gives you a look of shock. There is no coming back from being gifted the weapon a man just used to destroy you and your pitcher with.

  • Carry the bat with you to first base, have the first base coach kneel for you, and use the bat to knight him as a Knight of the Court of Monster Dingers.

Just as you are a brave warrior in the fight against the fun police, you need an army behind you. By knighting your first base coach to the shock of the opposing first basemen, not only are you spitting in the face of all pre-established norms, you are further enlisting people in your fight for fun celebrations.

While I cannot reasonably say that Royals minor leagues should begin practicing these techniques in game in the minor leagues, I would at least like them to consider it, as well as brainstorming their own ways to absolutely deface any sort of dignity an opposing pitcher has.

On a more serious note, I believe bat flips are fun. While Tim Anderson may have had a few extracurricular comments that have not helped him, baseball as a sport is supposed to be fun. The fun of the game comes from the rush of emotion you feel in the height of competition, and any norm that says you should suppress any expression of that emotion is counter-productive to me. If you hit that home run, feel free to take a moment to celebrate it, because that home run was bad ass and so now you should get the opportunity of an equally bad ass celebration. If you are apart of the part of the population that doesn’t like bat flips, you are totally entitled to that opinion, just know there are lots of people who like them.

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4 thoughts on “Friday Column: Beer and Bat Flipping

  1. Your suggestions are hilarious. However, I believe anyone who tries one will wear it not only in their next plate appearance, but possibly for the rest of the season.

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  2. Hey im all for bat flips, as well as retaliation for said flips. Especially if its directed toward the opposing team. Hell I used to teach the kids I coached to take a bow after triples, among other things. However if you decide to essentially taunt the other team, then take your medicine and wear one. Its pretty simple.

    And in defense of the old guard, baseball used to be a lot more fun than it is now. With 3 outcome baseball the game is in danger of becoming a boring mess. We come from a time when players were emotional, caring about all star wins, and were able to handle a hard slide or a crash at home plate. These things are fun, but the new school fun police decided it was too dangerous, and added no value to the game.

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  3. Pingback: Minor League Minutes: 6/1/19 | Royals Farm Report

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